We're now insulted by poinsettias?

Danny Westneat | Deck the courthouse with irises?

Good God, citizens of Seattle: How far will we go down Sensitivity Road? It's leading to a place where all richness and texture is scrubbed from our public culture.

Aren't poinsettias just plants that, unfortunately for them, flower in December?

Nope. Apparently some people gaze upon those pointy red leaves and see baby Jesus himself swaddled beneath the star of Bethlehem. And because of those people, you won't see the species Euphorbia pulcherrima in the lobby of the federal courthouse again.

Whatever the poinsettia was a symbol of before, it's now one of something else: political correctness truly run amok.

Clearly poinsettias at some point accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior and became Christian. Ugh.

A Story of Christmas Trailer

Trailers don't always have to reflect the actual feel of a movie, as evidenced here...

State report: Texas has too many reports - Yahoo! News

State report: Texas has too many reports - Yahoo! News

There's a 668-page state report out that says that the state of Texas has too many reports.

I think the only thing that could've made it funnier is if it also said the reports were too long.

Ah, irony, how I've missed you.

Losing It?

2 realizations I must preface this post with:

1. I haven't blogged in a really, really long time. After this post, I still won't have blogged anything substantial in a really, really long time.
2. I already have a post with the exact same title. They are nothing alike.

Ok, on with the actual post.

I was reading one of those ridiculous MySpace bulletin surveys (no idea why) and one of the questions was "Do you regret losing your virginity?" This struck me as weird for some reason because virginity doesn't really seem to me like something you would lose persay. I doubt you'd wake up the next morning and say "Oh dear, now where has my virginity run off to this time?" No. The word "losing" or "lost" implies that there is a chance that what you've lost might be found. And last I checked, virginity is something that can't exactly be reclaimed. "Oh, there it is. I keep leaving it on the coffee table and forgetting about it." Sure ya do.

Here are the 15 definitions from the American Heritage Dictionary for lose with examples for some:

lose (lōōz) v. lost (lôst, lŏst), los·ing, los·es v. tr.
To be unsuccessful in retaining possession of; mislay: He's always losing his car keys.
To be deprived of (something one has had): lost her art collection in the fire; lost her job.
To be left alone or desolate because of the death of: lost his wife.
To be unable to keep alive: a doctor who has lost very few patients.
To let (oneself) become unable to find the way.
To remove (oneself), as from everyday reality into a fantasy world.
To elude or outdistance: lost their pursuers.
To be outdistanced by: chased the thieves but lost them.
To be unable to keep control or allegiance of: lost his temper at the meeting; is losing supporters by changing his mind.
To fail to win; fail in: lost the game; lost the court case.
To fail to use or take advantage of: Don't lose a chance to improve your position.
To fail to hear, see, or understand: We lost the plane in the fog. I lost her when she started speaking about thermodynamics.
To let (oneself) become unable to find the way.
To remove (oneself), as from everyday reality into a fantasy world.
To elude or outdistance: lost their pursuers.
To be outdistanced by: chased the thieves but lost them.
To rid oneself of: lost five pounds.
To consume aimlessly; waste: lost a week in idle occupations.
To wander from or become ignorant of: lose one's way.
To elude or outdistance: lost their pursuers.
To be outdistanced by: chased the thieves but lost them.
To become slow by (a specified amount of time). Used of a timepiece.
To cause or result in the loss of: Failure to reply to the advertisement lost her the job.
To cause to be destroyed. Usually used in the passive: Both planes were lost in the crash.
To cause to be damned.

The only one that could work in this scenario is the second to last one which I've italicized. And that one uses a plane crash as an example. Great.

So I think that that phrase needs a little revamping. I'm not sure exactly what to replace it with, but if you give me some ideas, I can submit them to the MLA.

Possibilities to replace lose: "destroy", "wipe out", "obliterate", "relinquish"...???

It's the End of the World as We Know It

And I feel fine. No, really, I do.

Ichiro signing a $90 million 5-yr contract extension with the Mariners on Friday prompted Florida Marlins president to say the following:

"It'll take the sport down, that contract. [It's] the end of the world as we know it. It's a joke. It's inexcusable. It's complete mismanagement. It can't be true."

Wow, that's a bit extreme. So what is the response to this from the ones involved with the contract?

Tony Attanasio, Ichiro's agent:

"Apparently Mr. Samson has never heard of a guy named (Tom) Hicks or the Texas Rangers or something that happened there a few years ago," Attanasio said of the A-Rod contract. "I don't know what he's talking about, but obviously he doesn't know too much about baseball.

"Ichiro's a special player on both sides of the ball. (The contract) doesn't distort anything. Give me the name of a team that would not want Ichiro."

Ok, Attanasio. The Florida Marlins. But he's right, the A-Rod contract was and still is much more ridiculous (2001-2010: $252 million). So is Roger Clemens' current contract with the Yankees, which nets him about $1 million per game he pitches - not to mention he doesn't even have to travel with the team when he's not scheduled to pitch.

Bill Bavasi, Mariners' General Manager:

"My mother always taught me that if the only thing you have to say is, '(Expletive) Dave Samson,' then don't say anything at all," Bavasi said Thursday. "So I'm not going to say anything at all. Is my mother the greatest or what?"

Classic. Good to see Bavasi standing up for himself. In the meantime, Ichiro won the MVP at the All-Star game and the Mariners are having their best season in 3 years (hottest team in baseball since their 6-game losing streak last month). Keep up the good work, M's, and way to finally keep a star in Seattle who's worth it.

Airport Security

What is it about an expired driver's license that turns you into a terrorist? I am an idiot and somehow managed to forget that my driver's license expired two weeks before I tried getting on a plane to Chicago. The United Airlines check-in clerk at Sea-Tac Airport didn't seem to notice when she checked my license, but the dude checking at airport security sure did. He then asked me if I had any other forms of ID, such as a social security card, which isn't the smartest thing to be carrying on your person. Nevertheless, as I said before I am an idiot, and in this instance my idiocracy actually came in handy. I couldn't find my social security card at first, but I knew it was in there (I guess that's my own form of security - hide the card so well among business cards and things that not only could a burglar find it but neither could I). Security dude got tired of waiting for me to find something so he told me to go back to the United counter and tell them about my dilemma. I was still rummaging through my wallet as I begrudgingly trudged back to the counter (forgetting about my dad who had already gone through the line ahead of me and also had my cell phone) and finally found the SS card so I got right back in the line, which seemed to have grown longer in the meantime. Once I got up to the line, I flashed the card to the guy, who said "I told you before a social security card would work" (thanks, genius) and then proceeded through security like a normal human being/U.S. citizen.

At O'hare, on the way back, the United clerk actually managed to notice the expiration date and I got "special treatment" from there on out. Basically, it meant I got a star punched on my boarding pass, which means my bag I checked was supposed to be checked extra carefully (which it wasn't because another United employee put the bag on the conveyor belt before it could be properly marked) and I got personally escorted by a heavyset black woman to line 1 - aka "the terrorist line". Going through this line means every carry-on bag is thoroughly searched (no bowling ball candles get by them) and every person is given the "pat down" (not by the heavyset black woman). Despite all this, this time I got through security about 5 minutes before my dad did.

But what is it about an license that expired two weeks prior that makes me a terrorist? I'm still the same person, as evidenced by the picture, and I hail from the State of Washington, which is where I was the first time. Do they think I've moved to Iran in the meantime? I really can't imagine a scenario where a terrorist would try using an expired driver's license. And why was I able to get through the normal US-citizen line by presenting a social security card? It's just a card with a 9-digit number on it and my signature (which looks nothing like the signature on my driver's license since I signed it so long ago). The driver's license tells way more about me, and yet it gets trumped by a 9-digit number should it expire. Also, why didn't the security guy at SeaTac just point me toward the "terrorist line" as soon as he saw the expired license? It seems to me that would have been the whole point of going back to the United counter anyway. Whatever logic is there eludes me.

Oh, and for anyone that wants to try and burgle my wallet, I no longer carry my SS card. Sorry to disappoint.

Losing It

Is it just me, or is it ironic that I somehow manage to keep losing my compass - a navigational tool designed to prevent me from getting myself lost. So when I lose it (which I have), I could lose myself. Does that make sense, or did I lose you?

Other notes on the Mountaineers scrambling course, now that I've completed the structured part of the course (I still need to sign up for 2 hikes of my choosing to graduate):

• The age range is a bit too large for my liking. One person referred to it as a club for those that just realized that they were old and still wanted to prove that they could get outside and be active (some of them are actually in denial about that).
• I suppose it's better than a bar for a social dating type service, but as I said, many people are a bit too old for me, and even on the ones that look like they could be young enough, it's often hard to tell who's married and who isn't since they ask that you not be wearing any jewelry (rings can hinder your ability to properly grasp a rock). Plus, technically-inclined males such as myself (known by some as nerds or geeks) still are the majority. So sorry, dad, but I haven't followed in your footsteps of rescuing damsels in distress on mountainsides just yet.
• Actual scrambling is quite fun for the most part. It allows you to be a little more adventurous than the average hiker while not requiring (usually) all the technicalities of ropes and things. The only thing I didn't enjoy is doing a whole bunch of bushwhacking in an attempt to find a trail, only to end up at the edge of a cliff which required us to backtrack all the way back up through the bushes we just finished whacking. In other words, scrambling is more fun with GPS.
• Getting 50+ people off a mountain can take forever. 'Nuff said.
  
• They have funny terms that mean really simple things (I guess that's common for a lot of clubs if you think about it). For example, glissading basically means "sliding down a hill" and plunge stepping is just another term for "walking down a hill".
  

So it's been fun, but the jury's still out on whether I'll attempt any other courses within the Mountaineers (basic climbing, advanced scrambling, etc.) As long as they don't involve too much useless bushwhacking, I might give another one a try. But too much more of that and I might lose it (and I don't mean the compass).

I Got Arrested for Murder on a Train

When I stepped on to the Washington State Dinner Train last night with Steve and my parents, I knew I was about to experience a murder mystery, but I didn't expect to be the one leaving in handcuffs. The fact that I was even a culprit was only slightly surprising because my mother had been the one to call in the reservation and apparently we were still celebrating my birthday (wasn't that last week?) so of course leave it to your mother to rat you out and turn in a whole bunch of evidence.

I was culprit #2 out of 10 passengers or so - Brian "the Brain" they called me. The on-board detective interrogated me, insinuating that as an IT Analyst, I knew a good deal about computers, enough to write a piece of software that could analyze the outcome of every single sports game, which I could use for sports betting to soon become the world's richest man. The only problem was that one certain ball player was so unpredictable, that he was fouling up my program. This ball player was the one I killed.

Luckily, I wasn't alone in this. Oh yes, I had accomplices, such as "Evil John" who worked for Verizon (his network was somehow useful...I don't remember all the details) and had anger management issues. And nurse Angie who liked stabbing people with needles (she actually committed a separate murder). There were also red herrings being thrown around such as steroid allegations and the like.

Rather ironic is that I do have a piece of software called SportsGraphics that predicts the odds of what a ballplayer will do per any given at-bat. I haven't extended it out to calculate whole games though. Hmm, that's not a bad idea. Especially now that I know how to get out of handcuffs.

WorldNetDaily: Man arrested, cuffed after using $2 bills

WorldNetDaily: Man arrested, cuffed after using $2 bills

Note to self - don't try to pay for something using any more than 56 sequential $2 bills. Yeesh.

Never a better time to be a child

I think Target needs work on their niche marketing. If they knew any better, they wouldn't send an email titled "Never a better time to be a child" (for a sale on kid's stuff) on the day I move one year further from Kid-dom. Thanks for the birthday wish, Target.

Apathetic Retardation

Sometimes, like right now, I find myself with so much work to do, I end up doing none of it. Procrastination you say? Nah, that's way too light of a term. This is apathetic retardation. We all procrastinate to some degree, but I believe I'm exceptionally good at it. Unfortunately, being good at a bad thing makes you bad (what does being bad at a good thing make you?). So getting a gold medal in apathetic retardation would not be that esteemed of an accomplishment, at least not for me. Because I know better. Apathetic retardation will not be a category in the special Olympics anytime soon because this form of retardation involves choice and awareness that I am doing something retarded. And I don't care. At least not enough to do anything about it.

I have two major work projects that I am rather behind on and are due at the end of the week and yet here I sit, IMing, surfing the web, and blogging. This morning I was at least distracted by other work - some of my newly acquired network admin duties arose and took over - but right now I have absolutely no excuse for not working on these projects. So instead I'll be working late into the night, skipping BSF, rejecting friends' invites to come hang out, and taking a break only to watch the new episode of Heroes. Normal people get their work done during the day so they can go home and relax and do whatever they want. I used to be that way. Now I neglect my work during the day so I can do it at night instead of hanging out with all the other normal people. Even animals know to do their work during the day, except for the nocturnal ones. I've never seen a squirrel at dusk frantically gathering all the nuts it can because it was too busy staring at a leaf all day. That'd be nuts (pun begrudgingly intended).

Now I'm going nuts. I even had a dream the other night, and I don't mean the Martin Luther King, Jr. variety. I mean the type you have while you sleep at night, that normal people often have. Although I normally don't have them. In this rare occurrence of a dream, I survived a rather large cruise missile landing just a few yards away from me. I was also late for work, both in the dream and in reality because of the dream (the only difference was that in real life I didn't answer the question "where have you been?" with "surviving a missile crash" - although I might have, had anyone asked). The dream was nuts, and I had no control over that. But what I think caused it, I did have control over - apathetic retardation.

So if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do....

Auditing Eye Color

Is it normal for a tech magazine account rep (or anybody for that matter) to call someone and ask for the following:

• Address confirmation
• Email
  
• Fax number
• Amount we plan to spend on technical equipment this year
• Eye color - for auditing purposes

Eye color? What the freak kind of question is that? And is saying that it's "for auditing purposes" supposed to make it seem any more normal? If so, umm, it didn't work. Hmm, maybe she was just hitting on me...

We are the Machine!

A cultural anthropology assistant professor put together this techy little number and put it up on YouTube. Now it's all the rage, still staying on the top of YouTube's charts and being one of the most blogged about videos of the year (and now I am joining that mass). What's slightly funny though is that he is surprised at the video's popularity, according to this column in InfoWorld even though the very video itself talks about how easily content can spread in today's information age. So you would think that he of all people would've seen it coming. Nevertheless, it is an interesting (although slightly nerdy) look at the evolution of the power of the word (no, I don't mean Microsoft Word) and the interaction between human and machine.

I'm not THAT old!

Ok, the past few months I've kept getting mailings from the AARP telling me to sign up...if I'm age 50 or older. Which I'm not. Does anybody else get these things or is it just me? I'm really tempted to try and sign up and just say "hey, you keep sending them to me, I figured I was so special you wanted me 25 years earlier. $25,000 of coverage ain't bad! Plus there's spouse coverage available, which I'm sure would be a huge hit with the ladies.

The only problem is apparently you have to pay them money for this sort of thing. But I'm sure for a 25 year old it wouldn't be much. Watch out AARP, here I come!

A Bad Idea Is..

Putting your camera through a wash cycle.

And a dry cycle.

Are you my buddy?

Ok, so I did Deborah's "true friend test" (I'm #1, hoo-rah!) and they made me sign up just to see the results (darn those websites that make you sign up). So I figured as long as I was signed up and all, I might as well make my own and make more people go through the same misery, mwhahaha!

So uh, yeah, click below to take the test...if you dare.



Create your own Friend Test here

Al Gore wins an Oscar!

If this isn't ludicrous, I don't know what is. First he invents the internet, now he wins an Oscar. Is there anything this man can't do???

Marketing Never Was Microsoft's Forte

This has got to be one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen....





If they made a commercial like this for Vista, I would immediately go out and buy a Mac with OS X. Speaking of which, did you notice how at the beginning, dudeman mistakes 386 for OS 2? Gee, and now Vista is getting criticized for looking like OS X. Did Microsoft ever come out with something unique looking? Oh well, good to see some things never change, I guess.

But the combo of a white "business" woman with ginormous glasses rapping about an operating system while taking her clothes off (settle down, it doesn't show anything, thank goodness) is...well, let's just say the entire marketing department must have been enshrouded in a smoky haze back then. (Which should be assumed anyway I suppose, since it was the 80's and it is Washington!) How Microsoft ever sold anything with this "promo video" I'll never know, but I guess even corporations have their awkward teenage years.

NFL Won't Let Church Show the Bowl that is Super

There is a difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. The NFL apparently doesn't understand the concept. They told a church that they couldn't have a "Super Bowl" party because they were using a projector to show the game. An excerpt:

Initially, the league objected to the church's plan to charge a fee to attend and that the church used the license-protected words "Super Bowl" in its promotions.

Pastor John D. Newland said he told the NFL his church would not charge anyone and that it would drop the use of the forbidden words.

But the NFL objected to the church's plans to use a projector to show the game, saying the law limits it to one TV no bigger than 55 inches.

The church will likely abandon its plans to host a Super Bowl party.

Click here to read the full article...

I really want to see that TV law. Does it just refer to public places? If not, that means that I can't host a Super Bowl party either - my projector display measures 91". If so, that's still a ridiculous law and it should be changed to just mean businesses that are profiting from the event (i.e. restaurants, bars). C'mon, NFL, your fans understand spirit (some in more ways than one), why can't you?

Driving Lessons: On Ice

Note to self: don't try to drive on a hill without chains after freezing rain + snow. Furthermore, don't use the gas or the brakes. Oh wait, I already knew that. These Oregonians did not:

Man sells life on eBay

This is too ludicrous to pass up.

This Australian is offering his "life" on eBay, check it out here: http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=110078904033.

This includes all his possessions, all his skills (which he will teach you) and all his friends and "potential lovers". Oh, and 2 nemeses. Hahaha. Hopefully one of them isn't Beth Axelrod.

Other comically ridiculous aspects of the auction:

• The person who posted this is not the person who's life the winning bidder will receive, because they are computer illiterate (sorry, guess I can't bid...)
• The winning bidder does not get his driver's license, passport, etc. because "This is more of a social life and mentality as opposed to a new legal identity".
• Someone asked him "If I, as a female, win, do I get the appropriate male appendages included for the transition?" The answer? "No..."
  
• In big bold letters: "Serious bidders only please."

Conditional Identities

Demetri Martin is a very funny dude. Although I have to say the "conditional identity" joke is a long standing Smith family joke. We just never used the words "conditional identity" per se. So I guess you could say he improved on it.

Some more Demetri:

WiiBay Economics

I recently stumbled across this blog posting, telling the public to not bid on wiis on eBay if you ever want a chance to actually buy one. Being that I am looking for a Nintendo Wii myself, I find this somewhat intriguing, and I understand where the author is coming from. However, his argument is flawed.

Not buying on eBay won't make Nintendo produce more, which is the main problem...supply < demand. It might encourage a couple less people to buy multiple consoles from the stores, but when it's all said and done, there just won't be enough. The overall quantity produced is still the problem. Furthermore, even if everyone does magically stop bidding on eBay, it will more than likely be too little too late. In due time, Nintendo will start pumping out more Wiis at a more reasonable rate and prices on eBay (and craigslist, et al) will go down whether people are bidding or not. Until that happens, we all just hafta be patient.